It's been a while since I feel like I have some type of purpose in this life. I grew up with a father and a mother who barely told us what good we did or what we could be when we grew up. Today I'm 29 years old, and I'm still haven't find my rhythm. Lord, that's not only sad, but also pathetic. I wonder, how many of us feel this... because I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with money. I bet people have millions and still feel empty, and there are some of us who are broke and still feel empty. What's the middle point then? Who knows? I don't...
I have 3 degrees, I changed a lot, I confessed that, they are all in different shit... I have my first one in Kinesiology, then I joined the US Air Force and did Logistics/Transportations and then Criminal Justice and now I'm going for Nursing... I thought I was becoming a Federal Agent after my time in the military... everything was great until I suffered an ending career injury on my knee and back... I can't run, so I can't be chasing bad guys, or kicking doors... So, I thought one day while I was feeling like it was the end of my life, that I wanted to help others. I always wanted to become an agent to help others, plus it runs in the family... but I thought I could help in a different way, I guess that wasn't the plan.
It wasn't easy, I admitted... I did got depressed. I thought it was the end for me. I worked so hard my whole life, and when I'm this closed to get it, everything turns to shit, and I'm done. It's like this big athlete who prepares, trained their whole life, then their are told they were the best, he/she is actually the best... you can win championships, and be the MVP... let's say you get into an accident? Or let's say they accused you of taking illegal drugs and banned you from playing basketball/baseball/futbol/football... I bet you will get depressed for a while, and you will think like me "What else I can do?"... If you are not strong enough, you might lose yourself... that's what happened to me for a while... but one day, I just thought that maybe I could start in the Nursing school... I applied just to see if I was getting in, and I told God that if I get in that was my signal, and if I didn't I understood... It was bizarre how I got into Nursing school. Not only I got in, but I got my mother a job as a Pharmacy professor... Oh yeah, my mom was a Pharmacist for many years, and then she finished her PhD, and decided to become a Professor and she was on a Junior College for almost 10 years, until my interview day, when I got her a job at the #2 Top Ranked School in Puerto Rico... I heard we are actually #1 in Health & Nursing Department but that's not important... ;0)
I started school in August 2013... I finished my first year with 3.62 GPA.... No so shabby!!! It was kinda funny... I have both arms tattooed, short hair, and I'm a lesbian... so, imagined myself trying not to drawing too much attention... plus my Camaro... Oh Lord. Anyway, at first it was hard, and I actually cried. I was surrounded by bunch of teenagers, and I live in Puerto Rico... being a lesbian is already a taboo, having tattoos... lord have mercy, for some reason in this country, having tattoos means that you are a thug, or pothead, or crackhead... lol Let's stop right here... 1st. I have never smoke pot in my life. 2nd, never been on jail. 3rd. I don't like drugs or mix with ppl who use them, and my tattoos are Arts... I'm a freak of arts, music and books. Knowledge is the only thing I feed my brain with.
Anyway, people were looking at me funny, people were thinking I was some kind of a loser. nobody wanted to do shit with me... I understood, but it hurts. That helped me though, I needed to proved them wrong... they didn't know me, so I started to get only A's... finished my first semester with 4.0 GPA. Now, people wanted to talk... Now people understood... You should never judge the book by the cover. Now, I started to trust myself, and understood that I didn't need them to approved myself. I needed to accept myself, love me for who I am, and just be me. I can't change myself, I'm not perfect, I will never be. If people doesn't like it, then too bad, because I have learn that doesn't matter what we do, there is always one little fucker that will always talk shit, because that little fucker doesn't know you.
Wow!!! It's been a while since I let it all out... I'm on my way to find myself for the first time, and to tell you the truth, fuck! I'm terrified! I don't know what to do! I can only wish, that this is the way I should be going... I can only wish I finish what I started and I can only wish I'm good at it. I have couple people betting against me... I have a Father who thinks I won't finish, who makes fun of me, and who won't see me as a nurse. It hurts, but I'm a tough bitch... or at least I pretend to be! So, let's see!
It's been a while, and I want to be someone... It's been a while and I want to actually being able to look back and don't regret what I have done. It's been a while, and I'm tired of just sitting on my ass, waiting for life to be nice to me... So, instead of just letting be a while, from now on, I will just let it be, and just hope for the best and pray to God that everything I do it's OK.
D11
