Padecer y no entender

Padecemos y no entemos...

No entendemos porque padecemos de sentimientos que son dificiles de explicar.  No entendemos porque amamos, ni mucho menos entendemos cuando nos enamoramos.  Te ha pasado? Te enamoras de quien menos te esperas... Y te enamoras de quien mas lejos se encuentra! Y te enamoras de quien menos te debes enamorar.
Nos volvemos estupidos y de repente te vuelves vegetal.
Santo Dios, y como volvemos entonces a hacer que ese cerebro funcione? Pues, la verdad es que para el Corazon no hay remedio y menos para la idiotez.  Solo te puedo decir que de vez en cuando te mojes los pies con un poco de sal, y los sales a ver si se te sala la vida y le empiezas a tomar odio.

Como entender el amor, si no podemos entendernos nosotros mismos.  No sabemos lo que queremos, un dia quieres amarrillos, y el otro Rosita, y el otro negro y cuando vienes a ver, de todos haz querido, pero ninguno te ha querido.

Entiendes?
No si yo tampoco entiendo, asi que tranquila!

D11

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I feel like I have some type of purpose in this life. I grew up with a father and a mother who barely told us what good we did or what we could be when we grew up.  Today I'm 29 years old, and I'm still haven't find my rhythm. Lord, that's not only sad, but also pathetic.  I wonder, how many of us feel this... because I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with money.  I bet people have millions and still feel empty, and there are some of us who are broke and still feel empty.  What's the middle point then?  Who knows? I don't...
I have 3 degrees, I changed  a lot, I confessed that, they are all in different shit... I have my first one in Kinesiology, then I joined the US Air Force and did Logistics/Transportations and then Criminal Justice and now I'm going for Nursing... I thought I was becoming a Federal Agent after my time in the military... everything was great until I suffered an ending career injury on my knee and back... I can't run, so I can't be chasing bad guys, or kicking doors... So, I thought one day while I was feeling like it was the end of my life, that I wanted to help others.  I always wanted to become an agent to help others, plus it runs in the family... but I thought I could help in a different way, I guess that wasn't the plan. 
It wasn't easy, I admitted... I did got depressed.  I thought it was the end for me.  I worked so hard my whole life, and when I'm this closed to get it, everything turns to shit, and I'm done.  It's like this big athlete who prepares, trained their whole life, then their are told they were the best, he/she is actually the best... you can win championships, and be the MVP... let's say you get into an accident? Or let's say they accused you of taking illegal drugs and banned you from playing basketball/baseball/futbol/football... I bet you will get depressed for a while, and you will think like me "What else I can do?"... If you are not strong enough, you might lose yourself... that's what happened to me for a while... but one day, I just thought that maybe I could start in the Nursing school... I applied just to see if I was getting in, and I told God that if I get in that was my signal, and if I didn't I understood... It was bizarre how I got into Nursing school. Not only I got in, but I got my mother a job as a Pharmacy professor... Oh yeah, my mom was a Pharmacist for many years, and then she finished her PhD, and decided to become a Professor and she was on a Junior College for almost 10 years, until my interview day, when I got her a job at the #2 Top Ranked School in Puerto Rico... I heard we are actually #1 in Health & Nursing Department but that's not important... ;0)

I started school in August 2013... I finished my first year with 3.62 GPA.... No so shabby!!! It was kinda funny... I have both arms tattooed, short hair, and I'm a lesbian... so, imagined myself trying not to drawing too much attention... plus my Camaro... Oh Lord.  Anyway, at first it was hard, and I actually cried.  I was surrounded by bunch of teenagers, and I live in Puerto Rico... being a lesbian is already a taboo, having tattoos... lord have mercy, for some reason in this country, having tattoos means that you are a thug, or pothead, or crackhead... lol Let's stop right here... 1st. I have never smoke pot in my life. 2nd, never been on jail. 3rd. I don't like drugs or mix with ppl who use them, and my tattoos are Arts... I'm a freak of arts, music and books.  Knowledge is the only thing I feed my brain with.
Anyway, people were looking at me funny, people were thinking I was some kind of a loser.  nobody wanted to do shit with me... I understood, but it hurts.  That helped me though, I needed to proved them wrong... they didn't know me, so I started to get only A's... finished my first semester with 4.0 GPA.  Now, people wanted to talk... Now people understood... You should never judge the book by the cover.  Now, I started to trust myself, and understood that I didn't need them to approved myself.  I needed to accept myself, love me for who I am, and just be me.  I can't change myself, I'm not perfect, I will never be.  If people doesn't like it, then too bad, because I have learn that doesn't matter what we do, there is always one little fucker that will always talk shit, because that little fucker doesn't know you.

Wow!!! It's been a while since I let it all out... I'm on my way to find myself for the first time, and to tell you the truth, fuck! I'm terrified! I don't know what to do! I can only wish, that this is the way I should be going... I can only wish I finish what I started and I can only wish I'm good at it.  I have couple people betting against me... I have a Father who thinks I won't finish, who makes fun of me, and who won't see me as a nurse.  It hurts, but I'm a tough bitch... or at least I pretend to be! So, let's see!
It's been a while, and I want to be someone... It's been a while and I want to actually being able to look back and don't regret what I have done. It's been a while, and I'm tired of just sitting on my ass, waiting for life to be nice to me... So, instead of just letting be a while, from now on, I will just let it be, and just hope for the best and pray to God that everything I do it's OK.


D11

New Moon

You ask you receive! You pray, you believe! You have faith... You must believe! I ask for many things, some are answered others are not, but is because all depends on how much faith I have on it... 

Here i am... Just asking God to let my life to be greater, but it is good already! Because I have more than what I can ask. I had so many blessings on my life, i lost the count. I can only say Thank you Jesus, for the love and your mercy! 

Fears

So many fears... So many struggles! I have the tendency of hiding my feelings behind a crooked smile and couple jokes. I pretend to be untouchable and strong... But I go to bed feeling scared... I'm scared of failing, i'm scared of being a disappointment... I have 2 siblings, and I keep thinking on how I can be so they look at me as their role model. 

Ha! I'm not perfect, never will! I'm a pain in the ass and i get excited over silly things! I have never create master plan for Life and I hate rules. I liveeveryday without   any true purpose. I wake up, shower, eat, go to school and watch tv... Is always the same. From time to time it hits me... dude, I really need a plan, a goal of life, a passion, something. 

And here is where I freak out... 29 and I am here in Puerto Rico. Can I close my eyes and tell you where I see myself in 5 years? NO! Can't even imagine in 6 months. Pathetic!!! 

I haven't made plans lately bc Life have been mean to be when I try to come up with a plan. So i try my best to not pissed them off... Try my best to just live one day at a time. 

I made plans once and I ended with 3 surgeries on my knee, a fucked up disk on my back and a nerve pinched. I ended having nightmares and I ended mad at God. So No, i dont do plans because I FEAR God will send something bad my way... Is funny how they say U r free... but the moment you turn your back at God something Bad happens... This means we are not free! But anyway... I Thank Him! And let's just think everything happens for a reason. 29 years later ... And we still dont know those reasons. 

FEAR to disappoint my Father... HA! So freaking Funny... How many times he disappointed me? MANY TIMES... And here I am still trying to do right. What if Right means to do whatever is wrong right? Got you... U read that twice. Is ok!!

U want him to say Good girl, but he never did, he never will and Is ok! I love my father dont get me wrong! Is just different... 

Fear of feeling inadequate! Ha! Aint that a bitch! 

Life... Is full of surprises, fears, disappointments, laughs, cries, and journeys... Dont let a fool get you to fear yourself to the point where You don't even know where you can turn when something goes wrong! 

D11

From My point of view

This is my opinion... And I have to say A LOT of people agreed with it! But to me Diana Lorena Taurasi ... And I added "Del Mar" on my own, is the best as a right now in the WNBA and in the entire world of basketball. What she does outside the court is her private life and I really don't care... Not because I won't, is because she is a human being and that's private... I actually feel kinda sad for her, because I bet she has to hide many things. But whatever that's not why I want to write today.   I want to put an emphasis on this ... Diana Taurasi as the best player in the whole world is representing 2 type of people or communities... First she is representing every European with a dream to be greater... She is representing every Latina with a dream of being the best.  Like it or not that's who she is... She is an Italian/ Argentina ( and I pronounced it in español)... She represents every 4 years the USA, yes! She was born in the USA, but the same thing I have of American Citizen she does too... She was blessed to get the american citizen because she was born in the USA (California to be more specific)... Fine, is the same as me been an american citizen because I had the blessed to be  born in Puerto Rico, which is part of the USA and I automatically got it.  She represents me, she represents any woman, kid, male, baby who has a basketball dream that speaks español, or that is in Europa. Now you have someone as powerful as DT to look up in the court.  

I had the opportunity to play in Asia with the USAF, i was talking to this ref and I asked him, who is your favorite player to watch playing, he started to laughed and said "Diana Taurasi... Is always so comical to see her playing, plus she is the best in the whole world"... He was a ref from Europe and Asia, that was his job for living.  Everybody loves DT... Of course, some people "hate" her... But what do you hate? Her game? Her ability to don't give a fuck, and just give her 100% and a little bit of extra passion? Tell me what has she done wrong for u to hate her? She is too cocky? Or too confident and that will put your weak ass confidence down? 

Or do you hate the fact a Latina/Italian is kicking everybody's ass in the court. We all know we are taking over... She did her part... Like it or not her name will always be remember! She get a lot of techs, yes! And that's a player who speak out her mind and state her concern... One thing is she is not scared. 

So, to refresh your mind, keep this in mind... Your Number 1 in the whole world... Speaks spanish, speaks italian, a little bit of russian and her heritage are the minority race... So to someone who wants to tell the world that as a latino or European or even as minority you can't get far in life, i will suggest you take a look at Diana Taurasi's game and believe that with hard work and effort everything is possible. 

To my americans haters... Your Number 1 is Diana Taurasi, her dad is italian, her mother is Argentina. your number two is??? Maybe Candace Parker or maybe, Maya Moore. This just prove one thing... WE ARE TAKING OVER... While you sleep, while you go party, there is this chica on the court, busting her ass, taking over, and her name is DIANA TAURASI! No olvides añadirle... DEL MAR! ;) 

Dindy11 aka MS WORLDWIDE

Life

Sometimes Life can be a little bitchy, sometimes life can be a little way too much. I ask God to guide me through life, and sometimes I ask Him to let me just walk. 

I haven't been that good, I'm not a saint, but at least I make mistakes and I try to learn from them. 

Mistakes, misunderstandings, tears, joy, falls, lies, happiness, cries, everything is ok as long you understand is part of the life. 

A lot of us go through life walking without a direction, others never leave the lanes. Many of us wake up thinking something will come and will change. Others just live a life but don't feel alive. 

Life can be a bitch, just make sure you don't get too emotional. Life can be a rollercoaster and drop ur ass with no warning. Life can be a book and you can be the writer. Life can be many things but is only up to you what you make of it. Life can be good, bad and ugly... Just make sure you learn from it. Life can be your bitch, you fuck it hard, but she will make you sick. Life is karma... Everything you do will come around and if you were a jerk it will make you her bitch! 

Life is life... No explanation to it. 

Walking through a storm with a little umbrella

I feel like I'm walking through a storm everyday of my life. I keep asking when this is actually going to stop.  Asking God might be my mistake, but I guess I have always been that type of kid, the "WHY" for everything that is happening... I can't catch a break lately, and I'm asking now WHY. I want to know if there is some Karma, I haven't pay yet... I thought I was done, but apparently I haven't complete my debt.
I don't like to feel like I'm been obligated to do stuff, and that's how exactly I feel.  Obligated to look out for a spiritual connection with GOD, otherwise it will be always a cursed on me, following me around and I will never be happy.  So, to tell the truth, there is no "FREE WILL" in this fucking world.  God, where are you I must ask, but I can't because if I do, something can be do against me.

Free willing, do we actually get it.  Maybe for those who are never cross with the church, maybe for those who don't think on anything, besides is just Life. 
Happiness is just a long shot from me right now, little things keep happening to me and how I feel? I feel bullied by life.  I feel like I have no purpose on Earth.  Don't tell me what to do, just guide me on the right direction. 
How many blows am I going to be able to resist before I actually drop and say I can take it no more.  You are pushing me to a corner and actually PUSHING my bottons and making me go to church? Or are you teaching? What's to learn? what's to teach? what's to live for?
Dark side can't be show because it will put us on the unacceptable behavior, but what's right and what's wrong? Who made the rules? Rules are meant to be broken!

Let my spirit to be free and stop punishing me for been like I am! I feel like I am cursed and not blessed, if I am so bad, then just erased me.

Can we tell the world that? Can we tell the world is ok to not be ok with who we are and I really feel like I'm not going to be able to survive.  Dark side is always there to remind us that suffer is just a way to grow and never heal... We never heal for complete!