Confused and lost

I have always been a brat kid...I have always been in and out of trouble.  I love fighting, and I have done terrible things.  I was lucky not to finish up in Juvie, I was lucky to have a clean record.  I was Lucky.  I grew up on a abusive home, verbal and physical abuse, and to tell the truth, out of both, verbal hurts more than physical.  One punch and one black eye will leave your body in a couple days, but those words and insults will never go and it will hunt you down and destroy you forever until the day You die. 
Growing up I had to heard my father calling me all kind of stuff, funny thing is I still think of myself that way.  I never recuperated, I never got confident enough to let those words go.  I did everything right,but for him it was all wrong.  I got great grades, I play sports, I help in the house, I helped my grandparents, I own my own money since I was 8, I was always trying to impress him, but he never noticed, or at least he pretend not to notice.

I was getting beat up at home, so at school any little incident I made it huge... if you stare at me, I beat u up.  If you laugh, I beat u up, if you say something, I beat you up.  If you mess with my best friend, I beat you up.  I was fighting people older than me, taller than me, bigger than me.  I was not hurting, and I was not letting people beat me, because I was already getting beat up at home.  It was my time to pay back, it was the moment I used to let that steam out of me, yes my dad could hit me, and I couldn't hit him back, so I used anything as a excuse to fight those demons I couldn't hit at home.  I grew up angry at God, I grew up mad at myself, I grew up in pain. 
I stabbed a classmate with a pencil in his forehead,  I hit some girl with my lunch box and she got 8 stitches on her forehead,  I kicked my friend and 1st boyfriend Manuel on his knee so he required 12 stitches, I pushed girls down the stairs, I slapped a girl in front of the Physics Class, I fought my Science's teacher daughter, and I beat her up until I knock her out, I fought at every basketball game, I fought boys, I fought everybody.  I thought it was the world against me... I was just mad, and confused and lost in the world.  I didn't grew up with a friend I could talk about my abuse with... I didn't grew up with a best friend... My mom was never there, and when she was, she was too scared.
My dad was the cop, and he always said if I wanted to call Child Services, I can, but he was the cop everybody knew, and my whole family were cops, so WHO I will call???
One day he grabbed the phone and told me he could dial the number for me... One day he told me to tell who ever asked me why I had a black eye and bruises to tell them, that I got those bc he gave it to me and if they had any problems, to let him know so he can put some of those on them too!! LOL

My father was Hitler to me, I was terrified, and to tell the truth I'M STILL TERRIFIED OF HIM!  I'm 27 years old... My dad still that monster in my dreams, I still have rage under my skin, I still have wounds that haven't heal, I still have scars that can't be hide...

I don't think I will ever recover, but you know the irony of this? He hasn't talk to me in a month...He is mad at me, according to my sister, he is mad because in FB he saw that I'm dating someone... He is not proud of me and my sexuality.  "He hasn't raised any lesbian"... I'm not his daughter.  He didn't raised a lesbian, that I know... He raised me, I.D.C.P. My sexuality came with it, my sexuality born with me, and it was not something you can teach, it was just me.  I haven't got in a real and truthful relationship, because I'm scared to be him.  I see myself reacting to some stuff, and I'm scared of myself... I asked God, why in the hell you still have me here for? I don't know yet... I have a dysfunctional family and everyday I tried not to be like them.  I don't want to use or sell drugs, I don't want to be in jail, I don't want to get kill or be killed, I don't want any of that.  I thought about suicide everyday of my life... but I will never do such thing, because I have a brother who is 13 and needs me... I have a sister who is 21 and needs me.  I can't let more people down, I already let myself down... I can't cause more pain to those who loves me.  But I do ask myself everyday, if a bullet is the one thing that is going to end my life one day.

I'm confused and I'm lost... I think we are not paying enough attention... Lord have mercy and take my soul away...

CP

I stop living, and I started to exist...

Are we living or are we existing?  That's a tricky question, and behind all that non sense talk, not everybody knows what are we doing here.  I have been in survival mode for a long time... I'm always so defensive, so insecure, never let my guard down.  I never let people come close to me, I run away from live, or I least I tried.  I haven't live my life, I'm just existing on it.  Living a life is when we get every chance, every opportunity and we grab it and make the best out of it... but we are existing, we just let things happen, and we are just in a constant rutine without a bigger goal in life, because we are not thinking about tomorrow.

Surviving, existing and not living, something happened a very long time ago, and I was forced to stop living.  I survived terrible things in life, I have focus all my energy on the next task, but I have lost the focus on what life is really is about.

I go to therapy, I tried to talk, and I haven't told everything, because to me is too much.  Is a dark past, and I promised myself I was going to keep it in the dark.  There is a part of me that I don't want to come out, that was my past and I'm trying now to be at peace with it.   I have scars that remind me everyday of the pain I suffered through the years.  Wounds will heal, but the scars will always be there to remind us our past.  I have a fresh wound, everytime I think is healing it opens up and it bleed.


I have a father who is a son of a bitch, but I still love him.  I have a mother who didn't took care of me... I still love them, I still respect them.  I see them and I tried to find a justification for what I've been through, but when I see my siblings going through the same shit, I ask myself and God, how in the hell you let them have us?  I don't know why, I don't know what, I will never know what was the plan with them, but in this universe where things are so fucked up, I have a little faith tomorrow my fight will be over, I won't have to fight this war no more, and I will be able to look at the mirror and see me free.

I want to live my life at full potential, I want to love without regrets, I want to be myself...  I haven't done any of that, what the fuck I'm waiting for? Who knows but it might be dangerous when you see yourself at nothing but a piece of trash.

CP

Ur abuse still hunt me everyday

It's been years since the last time your hands land on me.  I still remember that day... it was a friday afternoon in Mayaguez.  You grabbed me by my neck and told me you will kill me.  I couldn't breath for couple seconds, I got scared.  My mom just stood there... it hurts my feeling even more that day.  I asked myself what I did that day, what I did to you to hate me so much, and wish you could kill me that day... When I heard you say "You better break up with her"... You were furious, because I was dating a girl.  You have always say you don't have a "gay daughter", you have always been ashamed of myself.  I can't control my emotions, I can't change who I am.  I don't do any harm, I stay clean, I got a job that many people appreciate.  I serve my country, I left the island for better, I go to school.  I do things now the right way, because I want to set an example for my brother and sister.  I believe in GOD, I have a lot of faith,  I have integrity, I have decent friends.  I have always try to impress you, and today I asked myself, WHY IN THE HELL DO I NEED YOU TO SAY IS OK.  I don't need your approval, I don't need your partial love, I don't need you to be proud, I only need to cut those chains that are holding me back, and that are getting the best of me.

I will never be the same, you have left wounds in my life, you have scar me forever.  Your words are like knives, your hands are like blocks... You have damaged me forever... I can only fix myself to the point I can make it all work again, but I will never be new again.

I hate you, I love you, I miss you... You are my dad, and I can only say I wish you the best, and if you ever decided to accept me and understand that I'm still the same daughter God gave you 27 years ago, and understand that my sexuality is just a part of me, but who I am is I.D.C.P.  I will be here.

I didn't walk away, you did.


DINDY11

Don't let the outside define the inside

How many times we look at someone and just by the look we make assumptions and judge the character? How many of those assumptions are really true? Not many... You can see something from the outside, and our mind starts making accusations, start judging and start sending the wrong message.  Is not until we try it that we finally see what's inside.  That's how I go by every day of my life.  People look at me and they see something, or should I say, they think they saw something.  My outside display is not what my inside character is all about this days.  I love tattoos, I love piercings, I love hats, I love men's clothes...my inside is not what those tastes are about.  I see tattoos as arts, while others might see it as "a way to pretend to be tough" or "related to gangsters"... I see "piercings as style and sexiness", others might think is just a rebel kid and no good path to follow.  I wear hats, and sometimes I wear men's clothes, it doesn't mean I THINK AS MYSELF AS A MAN.  I love been a girl, I love every part of myself.  I don't wear men's cologne, I don't think of myself as a macho man.  I just have a different style which make me comfortable everyday.  Inside I can't be anymore girly, because there is no more way to be as girly as I am.  I'm allllll girl, but the way I like to dress might say something else.  But you need to know me, that way you will really know who I am.  

 

People don't take the time, they just judge, you can see who I am from the outside, my inside is my world, my outside is just the shell.  I leave my inside expose to those who are not afraid to take a few more steps, open the door and stay to enjoy the real me everyday. 

 

I just don't like to expose everything to those who just want to be nosy.  My inside is for those who have the key of my heart and for those who want to stay for a long time.

 

DINDY

WNBA DRAFT AND PROSPECTS

First the Draft will be on the 16 of April at Connecticut.  I don't know why it changed but this year I guess they are giving the prospects a little more time to get ready.  The number 1 pick will be for Los Angeles Sparks... Here is how it will go, at least the first round.

First Round
1)	Los Angeles (15-19) - Parker needs help on the post.
2)	Seattle from Chicago (14-20) (Cash/Willingham, 1/2/12) They need more of a 2/1...
3)	Minnesota from Washington (6-28) (Anosike, 4/5/11) no changes required!
4)	Tulsa (3-31)- They need a sharp shooting guard. Well, they need a LOT!!LMAO
5)	San Antonio (18-16)- They need a true PG, now they got  C/ F Tangela Smith, she is solid.
6)	Phoenix (19-15)- With PT out, a backup PG is in need and a true productive Center
7)	New York (19-15)-  They got a back Up PG now with Kelly Miller, I will go with a Back up SG.
8)	Washington from Atlanta (20-14) (Harding/Miller/Phillips, 4/11/11)- New Coach... too back there is no draft for that!! LMAO They need a lot, a whole new team!
9)	Connecticut (21-13)-  New PG, New SG... back up Center
10)	Washington from Seattle (21-13) (Smith, Monroe, Thomas, Phillips, 4/29/11)- NEW TEAM!
11)	Indiana (21-13)- Now that they have a pretty solid team, maybe a backup PG
	12) Minnesota (27-7) I think they can repeat championship. Now what's available this year... and I think this year it will be like in 2010, on which not a lot of rookies survived the cuts.  Last year they had a little bit of more participation because the talent was more, but to be honest, this year draft choices look kind of short of talented player that can survive the cuts... I will go with Nnemkadi Ogwumike – Stanford  for the 1st pick, bring a lot of versatility to the court, is a very solid Forward and it will help a lot in the team.  I think the combination of a HEALTHY Parker and Ogwumike can be lethal if they work together.  Second option for  Seattle can be Tiffany Hayes, she can shoot, can pass, can rebound, is very versatile player and it think can bring a lot of energy to the team.  What might cost her the second pick will be the injury that she is happened to have now in her feet. So, it might all depends on how much risk the team wants.  Third pick, if I was Minnesota will go with Glory Johnson – Tennessee, the kid is one of the most athletic players I have seen.  She can jump, is very aggressive under the basket, and is not even that tall compare to other players, but her ability of jumping so high and her athleticism is just phenomenal, I think she can even be a #2 in the draft.  Tulsa, is in a middle of reconstruction.  They started with the trade of Riley for an experienced PG Temeka Johnson, they signed Jene Morris... they even have a great coach now in charge, it will take time, but I believe with the right choices this team can make a lot of noise, I will go with a guard and leader like Shekinna Stricklen – Tennessee.  I think it could be a good fit to the team.  Now San Antonio, they signed Tangela Smith , they signed Loore Moore... so they got a Center, who is an excellent 3pt shooter and a experienced and veteren PG, which has played before with Becky Hammon.   I think they can use a back up Center, or PG or either SG, that way it will give Hammon the chance to seat and rest, or we can bring a Forward like Deveraux Peters – Notre Dame , we just might to pray for her bad temper, but SASS is a very religious team, so they can ALL take her to church, performed an exorcism and make her a nun.  Everything is possible. Now Phoenix... with PT out and not real good Center, I will aim for a Center... Peters can be a good choice or we can get someone who can fulfill the role of PT in court. A think this year it will be a tricky one, is not only an Olympic year, but there is a lack of  players that are going to be out because of compromise with their Olympic teams.  I can see Minnesota repeating a championship, or an ATL  or Indiana finally getting it.  D11

RANDOM

Motherfuckers want to fight me, motherfuckers want to be all loud! I'm psycho, I go hard on you and your stupid ass friends.  I'm not scared, I do me and you can only be nothing else.  Motherfuckers want to find me, why? Because they want my life...U are all so cautious, me? I got in trouble all day long... I don't think U understand this, but noone knows what it means.  Go so hard, u envy this...

 

I get in my zone and things don't go well for those who try to get in.  I'm not thinking I'm just better, I'm telling you I am...  I do my job so good that people think I have some type of coe for it, but all I do is be me all day long.  I pour a glass of wine, smoke some Hooka and think about the consequences.  I 'm not into anything that will altere myself or my mind. 

 

What you hope to accomplish I already did, BITCH!!!

 

 

D11

WHEN I WAS LITTLE

When I was little life wasn't easy.  When I was little I wanted to grow faster.  When I was little I asked myself if things were going to be the same.  When I was little I was my daddy's little punching bag.  When I was little I never could understand.  When I was little I closed my eyes and wished for my life to end.  When I was little, I hope someone took me away.  When I was little I lost my first best friend.  When I was little I had to wait until 3am outside the bar so my father could get drunk.  When I was little I helped my mom take care of them.  When I was little I was already a grown up.  When I was little I had responsibilities of a 20 years old girl.  When I was little there was no time for games.  When I was little I went from place to place.  When I was little I hated him so much.  When I was little a part of me got lost. 

Now that I am a grown up I can only look back and understand how much pain, how much damage actions and words from the parents can do to a person... I grew up and I thank God I'm not a complete screwed up.  I'm not perfect, but at least I don't go around pretending...

ONE THING OR TWO...

I know one thing or two about love.  I know one thing or two about hate.  I know one thing or two about Life. I know one thing or two about game.  I know one thing or two about me, but I never knew one thing or two about you.  I know one thing or two about hustling. I know one thing or two about regrets, one thing or two about deception, one thing or two about affection.  I know one thing or two about respect, but not enough to own myself.  I know one thing or two about what's right or wrong, but those things never are enough for me, anyway.  I know one thing or two about God, I know one thing or two about evil... One thing or two is ALL I know and for now is just okay. I don't need to know a lot, the things I've learned were just enough to survived here today.

One thing or two I do know...


D11