I stop living, and I started to exist...

Are we living or are we existing?  That's a tricky question, and behind all that non sense talk, not everybody knows what are we doing here.  I have been in survival mode for a long time... I'm always so defensive, so insecure, never let my guard down.  I never let people come close to me, I run away from live, or I least I tried.  I haven't live my life, I'm just existing on it.  Living a life is when we get every chance, every opportunity and we grab it and make the best out of it... but we are existing, we just let things happen, and we are just in a constant rutine without a bigger goal in life, because we are not thinking about tomorrow.

Surviving, existing and not living, something happened a very long time ago, and I was forced to stop living.  I survived terrible things in life, I have focus all my energy on the next task, but I have lost the focus on what life is really is about.

I go to therapy, I tried to talk, and I haven't told everything, because to me is too much.  Is a dark past, and I promised myself I was going to keep it in the dark.  There is a part of me that I don't want to come out, that was my past and I'm trying now to be at peace with it.   I have scars that remind me everyday of the pain I suffered through the years.  Wounds will heal, but the scars will always be there to remind us our past.  I have a fresh wound, everytime I think is healing it opens up and it bleed.


I have a father who is a son of a bitch, but I still love him.  I have a mother who didn't took care of me... I still love them, I still respect them.  I see them and I tried to find a justification for what I've been through, but when I see my siblings going through the same shit, I ask myself and God, how in the hell you let them have us?  I don't know why, I don't know what, I will never know what was the plan with them, but in this universe where things are so fucked up, I have a little faith tomorrow my fight will be over, I won't have to fight this war no more, and I will be able to look at the mirror and see me free.

I want to live my life at full potential, I want to love without regrets, I want to be myself...  I haven't done any of that, what the fuck I'm waiting for? Who knows but it might be dangerous when you see yourself at nothing but a piece of trash.

CP