I have always been a brat kid...I have always been in and out of trouble. I love fighting, and I have done terrible things. I was lucky not to finish up in Juvie, I was lucky to have a clean record. I was Lucky. I grew up on a abusive home, verbal and physical abuse, and to tell the truth, out of both, verbal hurts more than physical. One punch and one black eye will leave your body in a couple days, but those words and insults will never go and it will hunt you down and destroy you forever until the day You die.
Growing up I had to heard my father calling me all kind of stuff, funny thing is I still think of myself that way. I never recuperated, I never got confident enough to let those words go. I did everything right,but for him it was all wrong. I got great grades, I play sports, I help in the house, I helped my grandparents, I own my own money since I was 8, I was always trying to impress him, but he never noticed, or at least he pretend not to notice.
I was getting beat up at home, so at school any little incident I made it huge... if you stare at me, I beat u up. If you laugh, I beat u up, if you say something, I beat you up. If you mess with my best friend, I beat you up. I was fighting people older than me, taller than me, bigger than me. I was not hurting, and I was not letting people beat me, because I was already getting beat up at home. It was my time to pay back, it was the moment I used to let that steam out of me, yes my dad could hit me, and I couldn't hit him back, so I used anything as a excuse to fight those demons I couldn't hit at home. I grew up angry at God, I grew up mad at myself, I grew up in pain.
I stabbed a classmate with a pencil in his forehead, I hit some girl with my lunch box and she got 8 stitches on her forehead, I kicked my friend and 1st boyfriend Manuel on his knee so he required 12 stitches, I pushed girls down the stairs, I slapped a girl in front of the Physics Class, I fought my Science's teacher daughter, and I beat her up until I knock her out, I fought at every basketball game, I fought boys, I fought everybody. I thought it was the world against me... I was just mad, and confused and lost in the world. I didn't grew up with a friend I could talk about my abuse with... I didn't grew up with a best friend... My mom was never there, and when she was, she was too scared.
My dad was the cop, and he always said if I wanted to call Child Services, I can, but he was the cop everybody knew, and my whole family were cops, so WHO I will call???
One day he grabbed the phone and told me he could dial the number for me... One day he told me to tell who ever asked me why I had a black eye and bruises to tell them, that I got those bc he gave it to me and if they had any problems, to let him know so he can put some of those on them too!! LOL
My father was Hitler to me, I was terrified, and to tell the truth I'M STILL TERRIFIED OF HIM! I'm 27 years old... My dad still that monster in my dreams, I still have rage under my skin, I still have wounds that haven't heal, I still have scars that can't be hide...
I don't think I will ever recover, but you know the irony of this? He hasn't talk to me in a month...He is mad at me, according to my sister, he is mad because in FB he saw that I'm dating someone... He is not proud of me and my sexuality. "He hasn't raised any lesbian"... I'm not his daughter. He didn't raised a lesbian, that I know... He raised me, I.D.C.P. My sexuality came with it, my sexuality born with me, and it was not something you can teach, it was just me. I haven't got in a real and truthful relationship, because I'm scared to be him. I see myself reacting to some stuff, and I'm scared of myself... I asked God, why in the hell you still have me here for? I don't know yet... I have a dysfunctional family and everyday I tried not to be like them. I don't want to use or sell drugs, I don't want to be in jail, I don't want to get kill or be killed, I don't want any of that. I thought about suicide everyday of my life... but I will never do such thing, because I have a brother who is 13 and needs me... I have a sister who is 21 and needs me. I can't let more people down, I already let myself down... I can't cause more pain to those who loves me. But I do ask myself everyday, if a bullet is the one thing that is going to end my life one day.
I'm confused and I'm lost... I think we are not paying enough attention... Lord have mercy and take my soul away...
CP
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